Chantix and Me

I’ve been taking Chantix for 3 weeks now. It works… mostly. I don’t have the nicotine fits – which is really nice – and consequently, I haven’t smoked for 2 of those weeks. Until today. I smoked 3 cigarettes today. The sad thing is, they didn’t taste good and I didn’t want them. I just wanted to fix that feeling that something is missing. Smoking is not just a habit in my family, it’s a tradition. Some families follow each other into the same profession. Some families play touch football on holidays. My family sits on the patio and smokes.

And laughs.

And talks.

And drinks iced tea.

And remembers far off relatives and cries over recent deaths and gurgles over recent births and plans future vegetable gardens and watches children play in the yard and tells embarrassing stories about each other and… family-ies (or whatever the verb of family would be.)

Or at least we use to. A large part of that contingent has passed on and the small part that is left is spread far and wide.

So this is the thing that sometimes feels absent since I’ve stopped smoking.

Here’s the truth. If I could go back to when I was 19 and started smoking, I would not start! I don’t like smoking anymore and I think if I can find some way to rewire that association of smoking and good things I will be able to beat it.

Chantix is great but it’s not perfect. I’m having weird anger issues. I’m not irritable. It’s more like when something does annoy me it’s like the moderating mechanism that usually kicks in is not there any more. Don says he asked the doctor about it today and the doctor says it’s probably withdrawal. He says if it gets worse to give him a call.

I really don’t think it will reach that point.

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