Found Bounty

I have been instructed not to post any pictures of the home remodel until it is done and the world can completely appreciate the radical difference!  :)

So these are some of the various fruit trees we inherited with this property.  They are fabulous!

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Cardboard

There are so many extraneous things that never figure into your remodeling plans.

Fast food: It’s amazing how much you eat out because you don’t have a stove, or if you do you’re just too tired to use it.

Gasoline: The extra trips to hardware stores, furniture stores, liquor stores… they never make it into the projected budget.

But the worst, the absolute worst is cardboard.  Everything you buy whether tool or fixture is packaged in cardboard.

I spent this afternoon piling our cardboard pile into he back of the pickup.  It’s quite a pile too.  Even with every box broken down and flat the bed is still overflowing.  But the barn breezeway is passable again and anytime spent in the barn is good time.

Now it’s time to close the blinds and shut out the night, crawl into a comfy bed, and dream smallholder dreams.  They really are the best!

We Are Here!

Prepare to be inundated with an obnoxious amount of pictures, posts, updates, rants, raves, and fluff.

That is, if we ever reach the point of being finished! Or finished enough to share.

Why I Decided To Buy The Farm

Aside from the droll play on words in the title…

When you have a dream there are two legitimate responses, pursue it or let it go.

Letting go of a dream is not the failure we suppose it is.  I let go of the dream of being an artist.  I let go of the dream of being an actor.  I don’t feel a lot of anguish over either decision.

I couldn’t let go of the dream of a small farm.  John Seymour will be my patron saint for a while.

There’s only one dream that can hurt and that is the dream you can’t let go but don’t pursue.  That dream becomes a corrosive yardstick against which your reality is constantly measured and constantly found lacking.  It slowly leaches the color out of your world.

So I bought the farm.  I bought the farm knowing full well that I was looking through rose colored glasses.  I superimposed a 1950s americana propaganda film clip over every fault and fissure and I’m okay with that.  I know this dream may fail – in fact that’s the strangest thing about this whole adventure, where I would usually  shy away from the possibility of failure I have absolutely no fear.  If in two years, or five years, or ten we move on I will do so gladly because at least I have tried.

Having tried, I am at peace with the outcome.

Anxiety

I have a talent – I have many talents actually but I have one that is honed to perfection.  I can take any setback, no matter how slight, and using it as a starting point build a trail that leads directly to catastrophic destruction.

It’s humorous when it passes.  Right now I can smile at the whole thing.  But in the midst of it a tight sheen of terror settles on my skin and utter despair wraps my bones.  I don’t mean that metaphorically.  My skin gets tight and turns red.  My breathing becomes shallow.  My joints ache and I get so tired I feel like I can’t move.

It usually comes on gradually, growing out of frustration which turns to shame and then morphs to fatalism.

I don’t know why it happens.  It just does.

I have learned though that there is another side.  There is a coming out and in the midst of what feels like an emotional whirlwind a small part of my mind is able to remember the peace that resides in the calm times.

I should also say that it doesn’t occur that frequently.  Maybe once a year or once every couple of years.

Anyway, it happened this weekend.  My frustration at my inability to decipher the chaotic processes at my new job reached a saturation point.  Enough about that.  The point is instead of realizing that the process is unwieldy and confusing I began imagining how my coworkers must think I’m so stupid (which is stupid in itself because every time I asked one of them for clarification their answer was that they didn’t know either!).  I think that can only happen in a mind constructed like mine where any incompetency must reveal some kind of character flaw.

Today I stayed home from work because I was basically incapacitated by thoughts of unemployment leading to homelessness leading to the worst ever situation familial condemnation.  Right now it sounds absurd, even to me.

Someday maybe I will be able to let it all go but for now, and maybe forever, I will just continue to deal with it.

My Apologies

For disappearing.

I had a video to share explaining my absence but it’s not an acceptable file type I guess.  So this little pic will have to do.

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Yes, the farm came true.  The amount of work required just to make it habitable is staggering… and ongoing, so I will probably be absent for a bit longer.

I have to tell you though my friends, despite the manic cloud of frenzied terror I’m operating under I am so happy it’s criminal.  I promise that as soon as we have a second to breathe I will fill you in!

And Beth P. – Thanks so much for the nice comments.  I only saw them today or I would’ve responded sooner.

Stuck

I am stuck and I hope that writing this post will help me unstick.

I’ve posted about being stuck (or some variation thereof) on this blog before but this is different.  This is not that existential stuck-iness that I’ve whined about before.  In fact, I’m happy to report that I don’t seem to feel that “my life is going nowhere blah, blah” feeling anymore.  I’m really happy about that.  This time I’m stuck in an attachment/suffering cycle.

I can name it and it’s not helping… at least not at this point.

I have a dream of owning a small farm.  I’ve had this dream forever it seems.  Periodically I put it away and mark it “not possible.”  It always sneaks back out.  Mostly because I am always looking for property to make it a reality.

We’ve found two properties that fit the bill – both with challenges.  Both more than likely not attainable.  But it’s the possibility, that dratted possibility that is tormenting me.

I’ve abandoned everything – working out, meditating, studying – to research and dream and mostly marinate in the intoxicating misery of possibility.

Ugh.

I feel like a slug.

The sad thing is I realize what I’m doing.  Isn’t that the worst?! when you realize what you’re doing but it’s like you’re a voice stuck in the back of your head yelling at your horror movie self “Don’t go into the woods!” but your zombie body isn’t listening?  :)

I know it’s the attachment driving me.

I also know I can’t will the attachment away.

Blech.  Enough.

Sometimes Things Happen

So I missed posting last Friday.  Worse than that, I missed working out… Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

I have a reason.  I’m not going to share it until later.  Mostly because after the storm had passed I realized that my reaction to it was not the best or healthiest response (except for the frantic call to my friends which made me feel tremendously better and is never a regrettable occurrence).

But missing the workouts is not what I want to talk about.  In the grand scheme of things three missed workouts is not going to derail my journey.  What I want to talk about is the workout I did today.

Because the workout I did today is the only one that matters.

Have you seen that commercial where the people only do one of something and suddenly their life is golden?  I can’t remember what company it represents but when they say “wouldn’t it be nice if…” it’s such truth.  We so often believe that there’s a destination – that we can get fit and quit, that we will find happiness and dwell there, that there’s a plateau to life and if we can just make that singular climb everything will be alright.  I think each of us at some point must change that thinking for ourselves.  Even those people who seem to dwell in constant happiness don’t, they make one decision after another that results in happiness.

I was listening to a podcast today and the speaker shared a quote:

“Happiness is the result of striving to reach our goals.  It is not a goal itself.”

Isn’t that awesome?  It kind of removes some of the pressure and guilt surrounding happiness.

Of course I’m sure that everyone knows that but me :)!

So today before I left work I set the intention that as soon as I got home I would change clothes and go to the gym.  When I got home I did it.  That’s the only thing that matters.  It’s impossible for me to go back in time and redo Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  It’s impossible for me to go forward in time and get tomorrow’s workout out of the way early.

Slowly this realization is seeping into other parts of my life as well.

The workout I did today is the only one that matters.  Yes, it’s a good thing.