Dear Reader

I wish more novels still began that way.

I’ve several drafts in my little draft folder but I fear none of them will see daylight.  My thoughts are too inconstant to share, one day cheery, the next day maudlin.  The ruin of many a good writer has been the faithful replication of their true emotions (and I don’t mean their writing, I mean themselves).

I just finished watching Kill Your Darlings.  It was a decent flick, but it did not move me in the way I suspect its creators intended.

I have a great respect for Allen Ginsberg and his generation of writers/poets.  The existential angst they must’ve been feeling was no doubt great.  And the fact that they paved the way for others is not lost on me either.  But I did not regard that angst in the romantic light I once would have.  No longer do I see creativity as the exclusive bailiwick of the emotionally chaotic.  I do not regard painful creation as more worthy than cheerful or enjoyable creation.  I just do not.

*****

It is the next morning.  I have completed the last assignments due this week in my last two classes.  Six more weeks and if all goes well I will finally be finished with my Bachelor of Science degree.  I have no idea what I will do with it when I’m done but at least it will be one thing that I have actually completed.

In a couple of hours we go to view a possible property.

So much to think about in this life.

Blech

Green to gold to amber fall

in drifts, remembered, swirling.

Laughter dives amidst it all,

wrinkled, grey, and twirling.

Homesick

It’s 11:41 on a Sunday night and I can’t sleep.  I have to wake up in four ours and 18 minutes and I can’t sleep.

I’m feeling overwhelming homesickness tonight, which is strange considering Don and I left Texas over five years ago.  But I guess there’s no accounting for emotions and when they decide to surface.  I’m sure part of it is just the fact that I’m so sleepy and yet can’t sleep – that’s rarely if ever a positive boost to the psyche, but it’s also that I just miss people.

Maybe this is just rambling and an achy back.

Maybe it’s the realization that moving back home would entail countless challenges.  Lying in bed I started thinking about moving back home and inevitably moved to those challenges.  Texas, oh Texas, why must you be so muleheaded?

Sleep is calling.

For those of you watching, and you know who you are, no worries, just transcendental bitching. :)

Finally Legal

Don and I got married today… legally… in the United States.  

That is all.

That is enough.

In A Damp Land

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Panoramic of the side yard.

This is a panoramic pic of the little garden we inherited when we bought this place.  The previous owner was an older, german lady.  Stout and full of gumption, she had more drive than money and consequently the majority of the plants are cast-offs and snippets but they have certainly brightened our short stay here.   The lawn is small enough to mow with a reel mower.  There are two little plots that still have vegetables which we have been gathering and using and are thankful for.  The prolific tomato plant that used to reside next to the onions succumbed to late tomato blight and probably 10 pounds of tomatoes had to go in the trash today.  Each season is a time of learning, right?  I plan on rearranging the paving stones to make more little vegetable areas but that’s about all the modifications I intend to make.  One way or another we will be leaving this small lot in a couple of years, at least that’s our plan for now.

More pics below.

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View of park

This is the view of the mobile home park.  I had planned on taking a picture of our home but it’s raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock – to quote my colorful father.  When the clouds are gone you can see mountains in the background.  *Side note, I told a friend you could see Mount Rainier from our front yard but I was mistaken.  You can see it from every other place in town but there’s one mountain that blocks it from view for us.*  All of the green has been having a healing effect on me.  Perhaps I’m just one of those people who will never learn to love the desert.

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Better view of garden

The side yard undistorted by the panoramic lens.

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Beautiful Hydrangea

Beautiful grace always abounds if we just notice it.

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Flower bed

I can’t get over how big the flowers grow up here.  Hidden behind the shrubbery is a compost barrel that teems with worms, it is probably the best gift that Miss Angela left us.

Home is such an interesting concept.  If we were able to buy and pay for this little lot I think I could stay here forever.  But alas, it will always be a rental lot and I am at the point in life where I need things to start being finished.  I need mortgages to be paid, and cars to be owned outright, and credit cards to be stashed away.  My wants are shrinking and more and more matching my needs.  Perhaps that’s one of the perks of growing older.  My concept of home is changing from growth investment to emotional oasis; from outward symbol to inward refuge.  I want small and snug and peaceful.  I want beauty and grace and productivity.

Anyway, that’s enough for now.  Just wanted to post some pics for those who are curious about where we landed.

Crow

I think I may be eating a few of the words I’ve posted on this blog recently.

Or

No, I’m not going to put that qualifying statement out there.

I prayed last night for the first time in a little over a year.  It helped.

Worst Day Ever?

Had an incredibly bad day at work today.  Seriously.  Actually looked to see if there were openings back at my previous work-site, and if you know how I feel about that place you know how bad today was.

I came home and marinated in how bad I felt.  I mean really bad.

Then

I realized I was wasting part of my life worrying about something totally out of my control.

Wasting part of my life – literally.  I couldn’t laugh with my husband.  Couldn’t enjoy canning.  Couldn’t feel good because all my feeling room was taken up by feeling bad.

Out of my control – literally.  I did my best with what I had and was shot down for not including what I didn’t know existed and worse, what could’ve been shared with me but wasn’t.

So I’m over it.

I’m not only over it I’m making a conscious decision to not be under it again.

On another positive note, I put up 5 pints of cucumber relish.  Yum.

Don’t let the wieners in your life take away the relish.

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